Hallucinating
by Digital Tempest
Summary: Team Xtreme is going through a tough spot. Each has a sad story to tell. The next more painful than the last. Will they be able to combat these problem and pull together to be Team Xtreme again or will they fall apart? Complete.
1. His Mama Told Him Not To Cry

**Title:** Mama Told Him Not To Cry   
**Author:** [Tempest][1]   
**Rating:** PG   
**Disclaimer:**   
**Author's Notes:** For those of you who don't know:  
Paul Levesque - Triple H  
Joanie Lauer - Chyna  
  
*denotes thought   
//denote lyrics   
Apartment 26 - Hallucinating 

* * *

_//Who are you? Who are you? I don't know.  
Turn my back, turn my back, then I'll see you.  
Never seen, never seen, like a sixth sense.  
Who am I tonight?//_

When he was younger, his mama told him to never cry. He guessed she did this to make him tough. When Matt would torment him til the point of tears, his mama told him not to cry. You didn't want him to see you cry. It would only accomplish what he wanted. Here he was years later, and those words still echoed through his head. He thought he wanted all the fame and recognition. In the beginning, he lived for it. Now he loathed it with a passion unknown. The lights constantly in his face. The fans who attacked him after every show. He didn't feel like he belonged here, anymore. He used to love what he did, but now he did it because it was his job. He didn't know who he was anymore.It made him want to cry, but his mama told him never to cry. 

_//Colored lights, doubted twice, resurrected.  
In my mind, countless signs, misleading.  
As I pass, see the last, ever changing.  
Lifted up, interrupt, all knowing.//_

He didn't know what made him loathe what he did. Maybe people expected too much of him. People didn't see him as who he was. He was always Matt's _younger_ brother. It was like without Matt he was nothing. Their music cued. He walked out with his brother and Lita. He knew he lacked his usual enthusiasm, but Jeff didn't care. He went through the match against the Dudleys without much energy. He laid their lifelessly as Buh-Buh Ray pinned him. He knew he couldn't blame Matt for his lack of interest. He felt it was a big part of it. He wanted to be his own character. Not just the one that sat there looking lost all the time. It wasn't fair. 

_//Something in my head - Telling me to feel like this.  
Something in my mind - Wanting my to think like this.//_

Nope, it wasn't fair. He was constantly living in his brother's shadow. His brother got the girl, his brother got the belt, his brother protected him. They always made him seem like the weaker Hardy. He talked to the writers about maybe making him a little more agressive. They only laughed and said he was already known as the risk-taker, but was he? Didn't Matt take just as many risks as him? He only shined a few times by himself. It was always with Matt that his victories came. At first, it didn't bother him, but it slowly began to eat away at him making him feel worthless. It always seemed that Matt was the special one even when they were kids. Everyone had such high hopes for Matt. 

_//I can feel, I can feel, feel your presence  
Good or bad, good or bad, nothing to me.  
Come to me, come to me, truest comfort  
Who am I tonight?//_

He think he first realized how insignificant he was when he heard some of the other wrestler's talking about him backstage. The Hardy's had just lost a match of course Jeff was the one who got the living shit beat out of him. He was walking to his dressing room when he heard his name said.

"Amy can fight better than him. I mean the boy is basically a push around." Paul Levesque said with a loud chuckle. 

"He can't help the way the writer's write his storyline." Joanie said.

"But still don't you think it's a little odd that he's always getting bad end of everything? It's like they're fucking him up the ass."

Paul turned around. He shifted his eyes to the floor when he saw that Jeff had heard him. By this time Jeff was red with embarrassment. Paul opened his mouth to apologize, but Jeff walked off without even so much of a word. 

_//Peeling glass, feel the past, never ending.  
Feel my hands, cross the lands, revealing.  
Morphing eyes, true disguise, while predicting.  
Passing time, come to mind, all showing.//_

He stormed in the dressing room ignoring Matt and Amy. He had nothing to say to them. He snatched a duffle bag and went in the bathroom and changed from his wrestling attire to his street clothes. After he had dressed he stormed out the room. He sighed at the memory. He never told Matt or Amy what was wrong that day. They never asked. Did they even care? Chances were, they didn't. They thought it was just typical brat Jeff behavior coming to head. It was always typical Jeff behavior. It was expected. It was ignored. It was always so funny, but he never felt like laughing. 

_//Who am I supposed to be, If I don't know who I am  
If I don't trust in myself to be what I am supposed to be?//_

He pulled himself from his painful thoughts. He didn't want to stick around. He needed to think. He felt like if he didn't get out of there he would suffocate.He left without telling anyone where he was going. He didn't know where he was going. He was just going. He need to clear his head he needed to think. He needed to know who he was, and what was his purpose. He ended up at the park sitting by the river on a bench. He held his hands in his hands as thoughts bombarded his brain. They made his head pound as he sat there in deep concentration. 

_//What are we, what are we, mental mischief.  
Too alive, too alive, never living.  
Coming down, coming down, living 2-D.  
Who was I last night?//_

Had he always felt this way? Were these just emotions he had kept bottled up? No, he didn't think they were. Once upon a time, he had been happy. Once he had been proud of himself. It was funny how things changed from one moment to the next. He thought that he would be forever happy doing the thing that he loved most, but what was that? He didn't know anymore. Why was he even still here? For amusement? He never liked being the butt of jokes, and this was all one big fucking joke. _*The jokes on me as always.*_ He thought. 

_//Waking up to a world non existing.  
Shake your head, wake the dead from sleeping.  
Positive, negative, come to find out.  
Just as real as it feels, it's growing.//_

He felt like screaming out into the night. Maybe that would help him vent his frustrations. He knew it couldn't be pinned up inside forever. It had to come out. His eyes burned as he looked at the peaceful water. He wished he knew that kind of felicity. He wanted more than anything to cry, but his mama told him not to cry. 

* * *

   [1]: mailto:msmocha@bellsouth.net



	2. Liquid Joy

**Title:** Liquid Joy  
**Rating:** R, Language   
**Author:** [Tempest][1]   
**Site:** [wwfdiva.port5.com][2]  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone recognizable from the WWF. They're owned by WWFE and themselves of course.  
**Author's notes:** And you thought my sad Jeff was pitiful wait until you meet my sad Matt. Sequel to:**Mama Told Him Not To Cry**. I do plan on making this a trilogy with last, but not least, my fave WWF diva, Lita. I might even make a fourth part to give it a happy ending. And that pic of Trish I mention in the story is a real bonafide pic. I don't know if it was manipulated or not. (It looked pretty damn real to me) But it is floating out there in cyberworld. And, I'm a big fan of Amy Dumas and The Hardy's. I would never wish this upon them. I'm just feeling angsty.  
*denotes thoughts  
//denotes lyrics  
I Say - Artificial Joy Club 

* * * * *

_//Blah, blah, blah//_

He was having a rough week. His brother was barely speaking to him, and something was going on with Amy. Neither one of them would talk to him. Nobody wanted to hear what Matt had to say. Everyone was tired of what Matt had to say. Matt was too serious. Matt was depressing. His brother just stormed out the room. He wanted to chase after him and ask him what was wrong, but Jeff wasn't really talking to him. This wasn't the first time he had done that. It was just one of many times. Everytime Matt said anything to Jeff, it was like Jeff was looking right through him. Everyone told him he should lighten up. He was too overbearing. He was running his brother and Amy away. Was that true? Was he running them away? Why didn't they tell him? 

_//The V-chip on my tongue's gone berserk yeah yeah  
One channel left, I hope you like my talk show network//_

Did everyone hate him? What was going on? He didn't think that he was that rough on them. He was just trying to push them to work harder. They were a team afterall, and they had to work as one. Everything was so much easier for them. All Amy had to was look pretty and hit a hurricarana every now and then. Jeff was everyone's favorite. All he had to do was dye his hair another color and maybe do a swanton bomb to entertain the crowd. So much more was expected of him. Nobody ever said it, but it was pretty much an unspoken rule that he was the leader. He was tired of leading. He wanted to follow a while. 

_//Can dress me up, can't take me out  
I'll make you squirm without a doubt oh oh//_

It wasn't just Amy and Jeff that he seemed to push away. It was the whole damn federation. Everytime he opened his mouth someone, didn't matter who, thought he was critizing them. Was everything he said an insult? He was just trying to be helpful 90% of the time. He knew he wasn't any better than anyone else. He was just trying to offer his honest opinion. Everyone looked at him with such disdain when he looked like he was going to speak. He even thought he heard DeWayne say, "King Matt is about to speak again." He couldn't be sure though because when he looked at him, he just lifted that fucking eyebrow at him. 

_//Cause I say what I feel, it gets me into trouble  
Yeah I feel what I say, I don't care anyway//_

He was coming to the conclusion that he didn't care about them anymore. Fuck them, and fuck their bullshit logic. He wasn't a bad person. So, why did everyone want to make him out as the villian? He reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle._ *Jim, you're my only friend.*_ He thought. He opened the bottle and took a long drink. He had started to drink a little more everyday. Noone knew. He made sure of that. He didn't want anyone calling him a damn drunk because he wasn't. He didn't want anyone to have anything to use against him. If anyone found out he drank, they'd try to call him out on it.They'd probably accuse him of being an alcoholic. They were all against him, anyway. 

_//Steve Austin and I both have bionic mouths yeah yeah  
His saves the world, mine just spews whatever out.//_

Maybe, he was a little brash at times. He had let it be known that he saw a picture of Trish on the internet taking a shower with another girl. She had blushed and said that was a long time ago before wrestling. He just smirked at her and said, "I always knew you were a slut." Trish had ran out the room crying. Everyone looked at him with accusing eyes. "What?" he said in all innocence. Amy ran after Trish. "Good going, Hardy." Chris Irvine had said to him. "Hey, don't you talk to me lantern chin." Joanie's mouth flew open. Chris jumped up ready to fight, but Jeff and Dewayne held him back. "Fucking asshole." someone muttered. Matt didn't care. He had walked away. 

_//Sometimes my foot gets really stuck  
Inside my mouth,I don't give a fuck oh oh//_

He had been drinking that night, but he didn't blame his slip of the tongue on alcohol. He had spoken the truth. Alcohol only relaxed his mind. It helped him think clearer. It wasn't the source of his problems. Amy and Jeff had really lectured him, but had tuned them out. He meant what he said. Trish and Chris still weren't talking to him. He just shrugged. _*Who cares? Not me.*_ He said to himself. It actually felt good to get things off his chest. 

_//Cause I say what I feel, it gets me into trouble  
Yeah I feel what I say, I don't care anyway//_

He took another drink from the bottle. He looked at it. It was almost empty. That bottle had just been full a minute ago. He guess he had drunk more with that first swallow than he thought. _*No, worries. I'm a thinking kind of man. I brought another bottle.* _ He looked at his watch. His eyes swam a little. He was suppose to be at WWF New York at 8p.m. _*Damn eyes, I'm too young to have cataracts.*_ He blinked a couple of time and looked at his watch again. His watch read 7:15. He had plenty of time. He drunk the last of his JB, and carely put the bottle back in his bag. He couldn't leave any evidence. He took out the fresh bottle. 

_//And I do who I like, it doesn't make me humble  
And I like who I do, it's just my attitude oh oh oh oh oh oh//_

His mind turned to Amy. He wondered where she was at. He hadn't seen her much after the Trish incident. She insisted that she had forgiven him, but she still hadn't talk to him much. He once asked her why she stopped talking to him. They used to talk all the time like best friends. She said it was because he had changed, and she didn't know why. He had laughed in her face. He was still the same Matt. She turned and walked away from him. He was slowly trying to work his way back into her heart. They had dated once before they had gotten big. It was sometime when she was in the ECW or was that WCW?. He wasn't sure. He couldn't remember. He needed to drink more. 

_//Hey badabing, hey badaboom! My lines don't come on silver spoons//_

"Matt, have you been drinking?" Amy asked him the night before after their onstage kiss. 

"No." he replied. 

"But -" 

"But, no. And that's my final answer." 

He stormed past Amy. He had almost been figured out. She had probably already spreaded the rumor he was an alcoholic. He would have to be more careful, and read his lines better next time. He had forgot all about the kiss, and right before the match he had took a little sip.He didn't know why he wanted anything to do with that bitch anyway. He was sure she was fucking Joanie. If they weren't, they might as well be. They made enough lesbian jokes to keep the crowd entertained, but were they really just jokes. He didn't think so. He would love to be the one to catch them in the act. He would never let them live it down. 

_//You don't get refunds when you buy my brand of etiquette//_

He felt his mind get a little cloudy. He had to drink more. He had to keep his philosophical mind going. He looked at his watch again. The hands were blurry, but he thought they said 7:30. He was leaving in 15 more minutes. That would give him just enough time to finish the bottle. It was half empty anyway. It probably wouldn't take him 15 minutes, if he drunk fast. He took another big swig and let the feeling of relaxation overcome him. He never wanted to lose this feeling. It was the only thing worth living for now. 

_//Cause I say what I feel, it gets me into trouble  
Yeah I feel what I say, I don't care anyway//_

And what the hell was wrong with Jeff? He was acting like a complete fucking baby. Slamming doors, throwing shit, storming out. You'd think he was fucking abused from the way he acted. He would get Jeff told once and for all. He couldn't just act like a little prick. He was his brother, he was suppose to tell him what was wrong with him. Apparently, brotherhood meant shit to Jeff. Fuck brotherhood, then. He was out for revenge now. Everyone was going to pay for treating him like shit. He wasn't a bad person. Why was everyone out to get him? What did he ever do besides be himself. If he couldn't be true, who could? 

_//Yeah I do what I like, it doesn't make me humble  
And I like what I do, it's just my attitude//_

The door opened. He quickly stuck the bottle under the chair he was sitting in.

"Matt, It's time to go." Amy said. 

He just nodded. 

"Are you okay?" she asked. 

He nodded again. He felt like saying where have you been off screwing Joanie? He held his tongue, though. The people around here didn't take too kindly to the truth. She closed the door.He knew it was time to go. She didn't have to tell him. Time to go entertain the bloodsuckers. He stood up. He wobbled a little. He had gotten up to fast that's all. He wasn't drunk. He mumbed to himself as he put on another shirt. He almost knocked over the small table that was in the room trying to put on his shirt. He walked out the door he stumbled a little as he walked down the corridor to the car. Amy and Jeff were waiting on him. He slid in the backseat of the car. Jeff looked at him through the rearview mirror. 

_//'Cause I say what I feel, it gets me into trouble  
Yeah I feel what I say, I don't care anyway//_

"Are you sick, Matt?" Jeff asked. 

"Fuck you." Matt said. 

Jeff turned around in his seat.

"What did you just say?"Jeff asked. 

"Drive this damn car before I kick your ass back to North Carolina." 

Jeff looked at Matt closely, but turned around. 

"Matt, what is wrong with you? You haven't been yourself lately." Amy said. 

"Don't talk to me. I have nothing to say to you, Amy." 

She grew quiet. No one said anything to him. 

_//'Cause I do who I like, it doesn't make me humble  
And I like who I do, it's just my attitude//_

They went to the area they were directed to when they got there. Taping was going to start soon. Matt wobbled to the nearest chair. Jeff and Amy didn't say anything. They knew he was drunk. They knew he had been getting drunk for the past couple of weeks. He wouldn't admit he was getting drunk, though. They only hoped that he did well enough not to embarrass them. Maybe he wouldn't say anything at all. That meant that Jeff would have to talk more than usual. He would have to be the outspoken Hardy today. 

_//It's just my attitude oh//_

They started taping. Matt sat up. He felt a little tired, but that was only because he had been working so hard lately. He looked into the camera. 

"What brings the Hardy Boys and Lita to WWF New York?" A report asked. 

"We're out here at WWF New York trying to relax." Amy said. 

The fans cheered in the background. 

"Matt-" the reporter said. 

_*Uh-oh*_ Amy thought looking over at Jeff who looked just as anxious as she did. 

"What are your thoughts on successfully defending your European title twice? And what are your thoughts on Eddie's unspoken alliance with you all?" The reporter continued. 

"Fuck you. I didn't come here talk about the European title or Eddie Guerrero.I came here to fucking party. Now get that camera out of my face. You're making me miss my damn song." Matt said. 

Matt stood up and shoved the camera man. Amy eyes opened wide. Jeff chewed on his bottom lip. The fans cheered in the background it was obvious they didn't realize what was going on. Jeff walked up to Matt. 

"Matt, stop it. You're scaring Amy and me. You're drunk." 

"Fuck you and that slut Amy." Matt yelled. 

Amy ran from the room. She couldn't take it anymore. The place was completely quiet as Matt went on a rampage about how everyone in the WWF were a bunch of cowardly motherfuckers. 

"What the hell is everyone staring at? Sing, have a good time." 

No one moved. 

"It's just my attitude. It's just my attitude." Matt sang offkey. 

   [1]: mailto:wwfdiva@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://wwfdiva.port5.com



	3. Lita's Song

**Title:** Lita's Song  
**Rating:** R, Detailed abuse and self-mutliation.  
**Author:** [Tempest][1]   
**Site:** [wwfdiva.port5.com][2]  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone recognizable from the WWF. They're owned by WWFE and themselves of course.  
**Author's notes:** The last part in a angst-ridden trilogy. We've heard Jeff's and Matt's story now it's time to listen to Lita's Song. I made this fic the last in the series because it is the saddest story in the trilogy. Even though I use her real name I called it Lita's Song because in the fic Amy feels like it's the end of her career as Lita, and her character is who she finds comfort in. So don't give me hell cause I used her stage name. I'll probably write a epilouge type fic to finish up the story. As stated before, I like the Hardy's and Lita. I would never wish this upon any of them. And for the girl who read my last fic about Matt. Read disclaimer's more carefully, hun. You're the one who comes out looking like a fool.  
*denotes thoughts  
//denotes lyrics  
It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) - Bob Dylan 

* * * * *

_//Darkness at the break of noon  
Shadows even the silver spoon  
The handmade blade, the child's balloon  
Eclipses both the sun and moon  
To understand you know too soon  
There is no sense in trying.//_

She didn't understand what was going on around her. Everything looked like it was falling apart. That couldn't happen. Everything couldn't fall apart. She didn't want everything to just fall apart. She had dealt with too much in her life for this to happen. Before she hit it big, she remebered a time when she had lived with two abusive boyfriends She remembered a time when she didn't know where her next meal was coming from or if she was going to live to see the next day. She remembered a time when her mother died and she blamed her father. Going to wrestling school had been the best decision in her life. It was a unexpected redemption. It was like telling her she had another chance to try and do something for herself, to become someone. But now everything was falling apart. She didn't understand what was wrong with Jeff. She would put it off as typical Jeff behaviour, except when she thought about it, it wasn't so typical. Matt thought she was a slut. She didn't know if it was the alcohol talking or him pretending that the alcohol was talking. They were slowly drifting apart. They were hurting one another. She knew that if they didn't get things together fast, there would be no more Hardy's or Lita in the WWF. She went to the bathroom and pulled a razor out of her pocket. 

_//Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn  
Suicide remarks are torn  
From the fool's gold mouthpiece  
The hollow horn plays wasted words  
Proves to warn that he not busy being born  
Is busy dying.//_

She had tried to stop. She tried to remember when she had started. It had to be when she was living in New York with her first boyfriend, Ryan. That was the first time she had ever really been in a bad relationship. He wanted complete control over her. He wanted her to jump when he said jump. If she didn't there would be hell to pay. She remembered the first time he had hit her. He said his food was cold, and he demanded that she cook him some more. She had refused saying the microwave wasn't a new invention. He jumped up from the table and grabbed her by her hair and slapped her. He told her she needed to watch her mouth. He apologized afterwards, but it became more and more of a frequent routine. He started to punch her. And slam her face into things such as doors, walls, anything he could find. After a particulary bad beating. She went in to the room and locked herself in it. She was determined to end her life. She pulled a razor out of her drawer and cut a long gash across one of her wrist. She did the same thing on the other. The pain made her feel better. It overpowered everything that she was feeling. It was orgasmic in a sense that it made her feel like she was in total ectasy. To her it just felt right. 

_//Temptation's page flies out the door  
You follow, find yourself at war  
Watch waterfalls of pity roar  
You feel to moan but unlike before  
You discover that you'd just be  
One more person crying.//_

Ryan broke down the door that first time and found her nearly unconcious on the bed. He rushed her to the hospital. She was unconcious by the time they got there. When they stabilized her and she woke up, it was like the ending to a happy dream. She didn't want to live, she wanted to die. When Ryan came into the room she was in. He told her that if he ever caught her trying to kill herself again, she'd be sorry. And if she was so intent on killing herself she could at least cut her wrist the right way. After she got out of the hopital, she started cutting herself regulary wherever she could. She learned to make shallow cuts that she could easly bandage and cover-up. The abuse got worse finally one day while he was at work. She ran. She didn't care where she went. As long as she got away from Ryan. She was barely 20 at the time. She had nowhere to go and only 20 dollars. She felt this had to be the absolute all time low for her. She started cutting 5 or more times a day. It was like a drug. When she did it, she forget everything that was going on in her life. 

_//So don't fear if you hear  
A foreign sound to your ear  
It's alright, Ma, I'm only sighing.// _

She wanted to go back home to her parents, but her father had put her out. He wanted her gone before he came back from work. He was the dominant force in the house. He said that Amy was too rebellious. She didn't abide by his rules therefore she couldn't live in his house. Her mother didn't want her to go. She was only 17, but she had packed her things and told her mother not to worry. She didn't have anywhere to go. Luckily she had met Ryan, and he had taken her in. She still wrote to her mother regularly. Her mother had went and got her own P.O. Box so her father couldn't intercept the mail. She sent Amy money and talked about the day when they would see each other again. Here she was 3 years later no better than when she left her parents house. She walked the streets of New York for two days until she stopped in a diner and was about to buy breakfast with her last five dollars. Her waitress was a nice girl who's name was Joanna. She took one look at Amy and told Amy that breakfast was on the house. She could tell a broken girl when she saw one. Amy usually wouldn't take charity, but she swallowed her pride. When Joanna brought her food back out to her, she sat down at the table Amy was at. 

"Hi, I'm Joanna." she said. 

"I'm Amy." Amy said quietly. 

"I'm getting off work now, and You looked like you needed a friend." 

Amy eyed her warily. Joanna smiled at her. She looked down at Amy's wrist. The jacket that Amy had on revealed her bandages. Joanna turned Amy's arms over. Amy bursted out in tears. She told Joanna everything even about the cutting. Joanna told her that Amy could live with her. She lived in a two bedroom apartment that she thought that she was going to have to give up. She would talk to the manager of the diner about giving Amy a job. She could help her pay half the rent and utlitites. She told Amy not to worry everything would work out. 

_//As some warn victory, some downfall  
Private reasons great or small  
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call  
To make all that should be killed to crawl  
While others say don't hate nothing at all  
Except hatred.//_

Amy did get a job at the diner, and she did move in with Joanna. She got herself help and she stopped cutting. She wrote her mother regularly. Everything was working out like Joanna said. She was the happiest she had ever been since she left her home. She lived with Joanna for 3 years. She was then working as a secretary for a small business, then. That's when she got call that changed her life. Her mother had died in a car accident leaving her father. She had found out he was cheating on her, had been for years. She wanted a divorce. He said they could work things out. She had stormed out. She had run a red light in her anger and ended up in a car accident. Amy went to the bathroom and cut herself. She watched as the blood formed around the cut. _*Old habits do die hard.*_ She thought. She blamed her father for what happened. He was always a tight ass son-of-a-bitch. She had never been close to her father. He didn't know what it meant to be a father. He was a tyrant, and now he had killed her mother. She went to the funeral. Joanna accompanied her. She sat as far away as she could from her father. After the funeral, her father came up to her. 

"So, the prodigal daughter returns." He said sadly. 

"Only for my mother's sake. You killed my mother. I hope you die a slow painful death." Amy yelled and ran away from him. 

She went inside the church bathroom and pulled the razor out of her purse. She cried as she cut herself. 

_//Disillusioned words like bullets bark  
As human gods aim for their mark  
Made everything from toy guns that spark  
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark  
It's easy to see without looking too far  
That not much is really sacred.//_

When she got back to New York a fellow co-worker named Deacon offered his sympathy. He took her out to dinner. She thought that maybe she had found the one, but he was just another Ryan in sheep's clothing. For the first year she dated him, he was perfect or so she thought. After being with him for 1 year she moved out of the apartment that she and Joanna shared. She promised to call Joanna everyday. Joanna also told her if anything ever went wrong she could always come back. She lived with Deacon for 3 months in total bliss. Once again, the cutting stopped. Then one day she went to work, and got sick. She had been feeling sick a lot lately. Deacon had the day off, so she thought she would surprise him. She unlocked the door to the apartment they shared. She expected him to be watching T.V., but it was quiet. Maybe he had went out to the store or something. She walked to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. When she opened the door she saw Deacon and some girl sleep in their bed. She didn't make a sound as she silently ran ro the bathroom and threw up. She walked out of the bathroom and went back to the bedroom. She slammed the bedroom door. They jumped up with a start. 

_//While preachers preach of evil fates  
Teachers teach that knowledge waits  
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates  
Goodness hides behind its gates  
But even the president of the United States  
Sometimes must have to stand naked.//_

"A-amy, what are you doing here?" Deacon asked his eyes wide in fear. 

"It doesn't matter now does it?" Amy replied. 

"I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Heather." Deacon stammered. 

"Your friend, huh? Well, don't worry, she won't be just your friend for long." 

"What are you trying to say?" Deacon said. 

"I'm saying I've had too many trials in my life to just let this go. I'm tireed of fighting for everything." 

Heather pulled the covers tightly around her. Amy turned to Heather. 

"Don't worry. I'm not going to do a damn thing to you. You can have him. How faithful do you think he's going to be to you when he just cheated on me with you? How much of a man do you think he really is?" Amy said calmly. 

Amy turned to walk out of the door. Deacon chased after her. He took her in the bathroom. 

"Who do you think you are to question my manhood?" Deacon said to her. 

"How long have you been cheating on me?" Amy asked. 

Deacon looked away from her. 

"How long?" Amy demanded 

"Since, our six month anniversary." 

"Jesus." Amy whispered. 

_//An' though the rules of the road have been lodged  
It's only people's games that you got to dodge  
And it's alright, Ma, I can make it.//_

"You are such trash. God, I've got to get out of here." Amy said. 

"Amy, you are not leaving me. I'm sorry. I'll kill myself if you leave." 

"And what do you think I'm going to do if I stay? I will not stay here. I will not play these games. I'm calling Joanna, and I'm out of here." Amy said reaching for the door. 

"You..you.. BITCH. I've given you everything." Deacon said snatching Amy around. 

He pushed her against the door and slapped her. Amy laughed inspite of herself. She laughed til tears came out of her eyes. That made Deacon angry. He shoved her down and started to kick her. She just laughed harder. Then she felt a cramp rip through her stomach. 

"Oh my God, Amy, you're bleeding."Deacon said. 

He ran out of the bathroom and call 911. _*I'm bleeding.*_ Amy thought. _*I didn't even cut myself.*_ Deacon ran back in the bathroom and cradled Amy's body in his arms. 

"You're going to be alright." He crooned. 

_//Advertising signs that con you  
Into thinking you're the one  
That can do what's never been done  
That can win what's never been won  
Meantime life outside goes on  
All around you.//_

"Ms. Dumas?" The doctor said. 

Amy turned to look at him. 

"Ms. Dumas, I'm Dr. Evans. I'm afraid you lost the baby." 

"Baby?" Amy whispered. 

"You didn't know? You were 6 weeks pregnant. Your boyfriend said you fell down in the bathroom." the doctor continued. 

Amy turned her face away from the doctor. She had been preganant. He had killed her baby. A little life had been growin inside of her, and Deacon had killed him or her. She felt tears stream down her face. She wouldn't go through this again. She couldn't, she wouldn't survive. Deacon walked into the room. He looked like he had been crying. 

"I'm sorry, Amy." He said. 

"I was pregnant." Amy said not looking at him. 

"I know." He said quietly. 

"You killed my baby." 

"It was my baby, too, Amy. It was an accident I didn't know. We can try again." 

"It was an acciden't, huh? You should have never hit me. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's against the law for you to hit a woman?" Amy replied. 

After she got out of the hospital she moved back in with Joanna. Deacon called her everyday, but she had nothing to say to him. One day she was watching wrestling on the T.V. She noticed someone she had never seen before, Chyna. She looked so strong like she could handle anything. That's how Amy wanted to feel. She decided she wanted to go to wrestling school, she did, and she had made it. 

_//You lose yourself, you reappear  
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear  
Alone you stand with nobody near  
When a trembling distant voice, unclear  
Startles your sleeping ears to hear  
That somebody thinks they really found you.//_

Amy thought about her present situtation. She thought that everything was going to be okay, but now everything was going wrong. Everything she touched turned to brass. She needed to talk to someone, but she didn't know where Jeff was, and she wasnn't talking to Matt. He hadn't apologized for calling her a slut two nights before at WWF New York. When he did that, that's when she knew it was the beginning of the end. She had ran to the bathroom andher wrist. She always kept a razor handy. She didn't know when she would ever need it. She wanted to get help, but she didn't want the public to hear about her problem. In everyone's eyes she was Lita, the 2xtreme Diva. She had a reputation to live up to. She didn't like for people to know that she was weak. She could count on one hand the number of people she had even told her life story to. 

_//A question in your nerves is lit  
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy  
Insure you not to quit  
To keep it in your mind and not forgit  
That it is not he or she or them or it  
That you belong to.//_

She knew that she shouldn't be ashamed of things that she did in the past, but people made you ashamed of where you came from. She felt that she should be telling her story to the world to let them know she had overcome, but instead she was ashamed. Even Matt and Jeff didn't know about her life before the WWF. All they knew is that she left home when she was 17, and she moved to New York. One day she had gotten inspired by Chyna and she went to wrestling school and broke into wrestling.She held the razor above the current cut she had made just seconds before. She now had three cuts and she couldn't stop. She cried as she cut again. She had to stop, but she couldn't. She had to stop. She had a match to go to. 

_//Although the masters make the rules  
For the wise men and the fools  
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.//_

Amy left the bathroom. She found her makeup bag out of her duffel bag. She cleaned the cuts she made and covered them with base. They stung as she applied it. She had been doing this for years. That was how she had never got caught. She hoped no one would notice. She couldn't explain anything. She was never a good liar. She would proabably breakdown. She didn't have to fight tonight. All she had to do was do the hurricarana on Jason. She was basically just a cheerleader tonight. She thought smiling. She joined Matt and Jeff at the curtain. She could smell alcohol on Matt's breath and Jeff just looked sad as usual. He turned to Amy and gave her a sad smile as if to say everything would be okay. _*But will it?*_ Amy thought. Their music cued and they walked to the ring. She loved the crowd. This was what she loved about wrestling. Once she passed that curtain she was Lita. She wasn't Amy Dumas, victim of life. She was Lita, WWF sweetheart. 

_//While some on principles baptized  
To strict party platform ties  
Social clubs in drag disguise  
Outsiders they can freely criticize  
Tell nothing except who to idolize  
And then say God bless him.//_

The Hardy's face E 'n' C. They Hardy's where going to win this match with help from 'Lita'. The match wore on and the crowd started to yell "Lita, Lita" as it looked liked the Hardy Boys were going to lose. Adam distracted the ref as Amy climbed up the ropes. The cheering got louder. She jumped off the ropes and did the hurricarana and the crowd went wild. She rolled under the ropes. Matt hit the twist of fate. The crowd went even crazier. This was what she loved, this is what she lived for, and she hated to lose it. Amy jumped up and down when they won like she didn't know they were going to win. She jumped in the ring with Matt and Jeff. She kissed Matt which sent the crowd into a frenzy. There was still alcohol on his breath, but she didn't care. She was performing for her fans. She wished this feeling would never die. She wished this was real life. She wished so hard that it could be this perfect, always. 

_//While one who sings with his tongue on fire  
Gargles in the rat race choir  
Bent out of shape from society's pliers  
Cares not to come up any higher  
But rather get you down in the hole  
That he's in.//_

"Wasn't that great you guys?" Amy said once they were back in the dressing room 

Jeff shrugged and took out his laptop. 

"Yeah, great." Matt said unenthused. 

Amy felt her heart drop. Obviously, they didn't feel the same as she did. She knew if she tried to tell them they wouldn't understand. She wouldn't waste her breath trying because it wasn't worth it the effort. She was tired of trying. Neither one of them fought the demons she fought everyday. They threatened to be the end of her. They screamed in her head everyday, and haunted her dreams at night. The only time they were quiet is when she was Lita. She wished she really was Lita. She envied Lita and everything she stood for. 

_//But I mean no harm nor put fault  
On anyone that lives in a vault  
But it's alright, Ma, if I can't please him.//_

She knew she didn't please everyone, though. She had been criticized on everything from wearing her thongs above her pants to the color of her hair.These things she blocked out. She was only looking for the good. She knew that no one could ever find about her life before wrestling, the would have a field day with that. Some of the letters she read from fans asked her how could she be trying to be a role model for all girl when she was nothing more than a sex symbol. For those questions she could write for days on why she was a role model. She hoped that she at least reached those who could relate to her life even if they didn't know about her life. 

_//While them that defend what they cannot see  
With a killer's pride, security  
It blows the minds most bitterly  
For them that think death's honesty  
Won't fall upon them naturally  
Life sometimes must get lonely.//_

She sat down on the couch in the room staring at the wall. Matt had just finished a bottle of something. She didn't know why. Now that they knew he drank he didn't try to keep it from them like he did at first. 

"Aren't you suppose to be with Joanie right about now?" Matt asked. 

"Huh?" 

"Your lesbian lover, shouldn't you be with her right about now?" 

"Matt, that was way out of line." Jeff said. 

"Shut up, Jeff. You make me just as sick as she does." Matt said. 

"Matt! I can't believe you would say that. You know Joanie and I are just friends just like you and the guys here are just friends." 

"Right. Come on Amy, everyone knows you and Joanie arehot for each other." Matt said. 

Jeff got up and walked towards the door. 

"Everything doesn't revolve around you, Matt. And if you think it does, you're sadly mistaken." Jeff said before walking out the door. 

"Was that suppose to be the lesson of the day? That's right run, bitchboy." Matt said laughing. 

_//My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards  
False gods, I scuff  
At pettiness which plays so rough  
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs  
Kick my legs to crash it off  
Say okay, I have had enough  
What else can you show me?//_

Amy closed her eyes tight. She didn't know what to say to defend herself. _*What would Lita say? What would Lita say?*_ She asked herself. She didn't like being in this situtation. It only reminded her of how bad things really were between all of them. 

"Matt is that the best insult you can come up with?" Amy said. 

"What?" Matt said. 

"Just because you're miserable does not give you the right to try and make everyone else around you miserable. You need help Matt. Your dinking is way out of hand. It's making you into someone you're not. Matt before you started drinking, you could get along with everyone. Now that you're drinking everyone hates you." 

"I don't give a fuck about everyone. I can only take care of Matt." 

"I'm going to the bathroom. Maybe, I'll sit in the lounge. Anything to get from around you." She said nastily. Amy just looked at him and walked out the door. She went to the bathroom. She pulled her razor out of her pocket. 

//And if my thought-dreams could be seen  
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine  
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only.// 

She could barely see the previous cut because of the make-up, but she knew they were there. She put the razor to her skin. She sat there a second thinking. She was tired. She didn't want to go on. She felt like she had already lived all her life. She felt 60 years older than she really was. What did she have to lose? It was just life. She turned the razor so that it was pointed up and down. She remembered what Ryan said, if she wanted to die she could at least cut her wrists the right way. 

   [1]: mailto:wwfdiva@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://wwfdiva.port5.com



	4. Epilogue - Everything's Gonna Be Ok

**Title:** Everything's Going To Be Alright  
**Author:** [Tempest][1]  
**Rating: PG**  
**Site:** [wwfdiva.port5.com][2]  
**Distribution:** If you take it, tell me!   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone recognizable from the WWF. They are owned by Vince and themselves of course.  
**Author Notes:** Just wanted to give a happy ending to my little trilogy. Thanks for all the feedback, everyone! :) It really inspired me hearing so many people say that they could relate to how the characters were feeling in the story. Anyway, here's a happy ending to ease your mind. I know many of you have been waiting for this because of my last fic about Amy. *denotes thought  
//denotes lyrics  
Everything Is Gonna be Alright - Deanna Carter(I think) 

* * * * *

_//There are times when my heart is uneasy with fear  
The answers are nowhere in sight//_

Trish walked into the bathroom humming. She walked to the sink and washed her hands. She grabbed some papertowels and began to dry her hands. She walked over to the trash can in the far corner by the last stall to throw her papertowel away. She heard ragged breathing coming from the stall. 

"Hello? Are you okay in there?" She asked. 

There was no answer. She peeped through the crack in the stall door. She could partially see a body laying in the corner of the stall. Trish got on her knees and looked under the stall door. It was Amy. There was so much blood everywhere. 

"Amy! Amy!" Trish called. 

She wiggled her way under the door. She ignored the blood. Amy could be dying. She walked crawled over to Amy's body. She was still breathing, but for how much longer. She picked up Amy's hand. She was still grasping the razor. Trish quickly unlocked the stall door and went to find help. She ran into Matt and Jeff's dressing room. 

"Matt - " Trish cried. 

"What's this all about? I thought you weren't speaking to me. And did you have a little accident with the tampon?" Matt said interrupting her.

"This is no time for jokes. Amy is bleeding to death in the women's bathroom. I'm going to get an EMT. I just thought that maybe you could take go in there with her while I go get somebody. That's if you even care." Trish said. 

She hurried out of the room, down the corridor to get help. 

Matt sat there stunned for a second. He got up and ran into the women's bathroom. He saw Amy's limp body. He rushed over to her. He saw that she had cut her wrists. He pulled off his shirt and ripped it. He tied the pieces of the shirt around Amy's wrists. He held her in his arms as he tried to fight back his sobs. 

"Please, don't die Amy. We need you." He whispered rocking her in his arms. 

_//Then I hear a sweet voice whisper soft in my ear  
Everything's gonna be alright//_

This was all his fault he had been putting so much stress on her lately. Drinking had complete changed him, and although he was afraid to admit it. He was an alcoholic. He watched as they placed Amy's body into the ambulance. They told him he couldn't ride. There was too much they had to do to her. He ran back into his dressing room and found Jeff's keys. He didn't know where Jeff was. He'd call him from the hospital, but right now Amy was his main concern. As he drove at neckbreaking speeds to get to the hospital a thought came to him. He hadn't prayed in a long time. _*Dear God. Please don't let Amy die. I'll make things better. I promise.*_ He prayed silently. 

_//When I see the people with hunger in their eyes  
And no guidance through the night//_

Matt sat in the lounge area waiting for news about Amy's condition. He held his head in his hands. He felt a hand touch him on his shoulder. He looked up to see Jeff. 

"How is she?" Jeff asked. 

"I don't know, yet." 

Jeff sat down beside Matt. 

"Matt, when did everything start to go wrong?" Jeff asked. 

"I don't know. It just happened at once." Matt replied. 

"Matt, I guess I should have told why I've been so moody lately. I've just been feeling like I don't mean anything to anyone. I feel like I don't serve any purpose. I've been questioning myself a lot lately. I've had a lot of doubts. I kind of blamed them on you and Amy." Jeff said. 

"You know what I feel the same way sort of. I felt like everyone was depending on me. Like, I was suppose to be the one to lead everyone through. I felt like everyone was against me when it was really me against everyone else. I took my anger out on you, Amy, and everyone else. Instead of trying to deal with it. I turned to alcohol. You know that already though.I'm going to get help. I would take everything back just for Amy to be alright." Matt said. 

"Me too. Things like this make you realize that you never know when someone is going to ripped from you. I wish I had talked to her more. She's probably been holding a lot of stuff inside just like us." 

Matt nodded. He felt a tear roll down his face. They all had a lot of healing to do. 

"Are you Matt Hardy?" a doctor asked.. 

"Yes, I'm Matt Hardy." 

"I'm Dr. Monroe. Amy's stabilized but she's not concious." 

"Did you know that Amy has a history of cutting?" 

"Cutting?" Jeff said. 

"Yes, it addition to the cuts that caused her extensive bleeding. We foun 3 fresh cuts on her left arm. It looks like she tried to cover them up with make-up." 

"Is she going to live?" Matt asked. 

"I think that's all up to her now." Dr. Monroe replied. 

"Can we see her?" 

"Yes, but you can't stay long." 

Matt and Jeff followed the doctor to Amy's room. She looked so pale. Her eyes were shut. Her arms were heavily bandaged. _*She must've really wanted to die.*_ Jeff thought. 

"Amy, it's Jeff and Matt. I hope you can hear me." Jeff said. 

_//Once again that sweet voice whispers soft in my ear, sayin'  
Everything's gonna be alright//_

Why wouldn't they just let her die. They didn't need her. She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. Why wouldn't they just leave her alone. Didn't they know this was what she wanted. She didn't want to live anymore. She didn't deserve to live anymore the pain was too great. It was over anyway. She had loved them like her family, but it was over. 

"Amy, you can't die. We know that things haven't been so great lately. They've been downright fucked up, but we need you. Things wouldn't be the same without you. We love you, Amy." Matt said. 

They loved her? Ha! Where were they when she needed to talk to? Matt was drunk and Jeff was pouting. They had a funny way of showing their love. 

"We promise once this is over we're all going to get help. We're all going to start talking to one another because each other is all we have." Matt said. 

Once upon a time she had thought that too, but now it looked like they no longer needed each other. 

"Amy please pull through for us. You're stronger than this. Don't die." Jeff pleaded. 

_//I'll show you the way if you'll only believe  
Everything's gonna be alright//_

**One year later...**

Jeff stood in front of the grave sobbing. This couldn't happen. He still didn't believe it had happened. He had prayed so hard that it didn't happen. 

"God, Jeff, It was just a damn dog. And a pretty annoying one at that." Amy said standing beside Jeff. 

"Don't say that about Lobo." Jeff said between tears. 

"And why would you name such a wimpy dog Lobo, anyway?" 

"Lobo was not wimpy." 

"He was a poodle." 

"So!" Jeff said sniffing. 

Amy rolled her eyes as they walked back to the car. 

"If he's crying, don't you dare bring him over here." Matt said. 

_//I'll show you the way if you just believe me  
Everything's gonna be alright//_

It had been a year of trials and tribulations for them, but everthing had turned out fine. The first step for Jeff had been telling Amy and Jeff what was on his mind. They assured him there was no reason for him to feel insignificant. He was a big part of their lives and if no else appreciated him. They did because he was a apart of them. It made Jeff feel better to know that he had the support of his brother and friend. Matt and Jeff renewed their friendship. Now they were like kids again. Pullin pranks on everyone like they used to to do. They did care about him. They were there for him. Jeff started talking to a counselor who helped him through. There had been some rough days when he wanted to yell at everyone because he felt horrible inside, but he didn't. 

_//Now I can see it's all comin' home The message rings clear and bright//_

Matt's road was a little tougher than Jeff's. He admitted he had a problem. He wasn an alcoholic. He had cause a lot of pain not just with himself, Amy, and Jeff. He had basically blocked everyone out. He apologized to everyone for his behavior, and he told them about his problem. He talked to Trish and Chris awhile. He thanks Trish for coming to get him that day when Amy was bleeding instead of just going straight to the EMT. He had really hurt them. He started going to AA with the support of everyone. He also came to terms with the fact that he didn't have to feel like he was the world's savior. He was just Matt Hardy. And that's all he ever wanted to be. Sometimes he felt the urge to start drinking again when things were going down, but he didn't. 

_//Just as He promised, no one ever walks alone And His love will show the light//_

Amy's battle was the toughest of all. She had come a long way in a year but she was still fighting. She told Matt and Jeff everything that had ever happened with her from her being kicked out of the house to the loss of her first child. She still had demons to battle, but she was close to beating them. She was thankful everyday for Matt, Jeff, all her friends. She wouldn't have came this far without them. She didn't think they realized how big of an impact they had made in her life, but they were the reason she was here today. 

_//See the light shine, oh how it shines  
Everything's gonna be alright//_

She was glad that everything was alright with Matt, Jeff, and herself. To tell the truth she didn't think she was going to make it. At first she didn't want to make it. She had made up in her mind that she was going to just give up, but then something inside herself asked her wasn't she tired of giving up? Wasn't she tired of just settling with 2nd best? Didn't she want to prove to someone, it didn't matter who, that she was stronger than all her problems? Didn't she want everyone to envy being Amy instead of her envying to be Lita? She did. But most importantly she wanted to prove to herself that she was a survivor. 

_//See the light shine, oh how it shines  
Everything's gonna be alright//_

She had done just that. She was seeing the same counselor that Jeff had been seeing. At first, she was reserved she wouldn't talk. She answered questions with a question. Slowly, she began to open up til she felt like a river gushing over. She didn't think she would ever stop talking. She shed many tears. She relived many nightmares. She sat in the car looking at the sunlight and how it made everything look so much brighter. She had so many storms in her life, she was finally glad the sunlight was coming out. There were many days when she felt like everything was about to come crashing down, when she wanted to curl up and die. There were days when she wanted to cut herself, _*But I didn't*_ but she didn't. 

-fin

   [1]: mailto:digitaltempest0837@yahoo.com
   [2]: http://wwfdiva.port5.com



End file.
